Scientific Discovery-Bushcronium

Science Discovery: Bushcronium

A New Heaviest ElementA major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, even heavier than the previous record-holder, Administratium. The new element has been named Bushcronium.

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 224 deputy neutrons, and 674 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 911. These 911 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, since each reorganization causes more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass." When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has one-half as many peons but twice as many morons.